If you could trade lives with one person for a day, who would it be, and what would you do?

Once again, I believe the question has been poorly phrased. If I could, over the course of twenty-four hours, dissemble—I’d say systematically because it sounds so much more thorough, but I haven’t yet honed my destructive impulses abilities to that point--someone’s life from the inside out, whose would it be and how?

I’m supposed to be answering, “Tara.” Isn’t that right? Surely exchanging lives would lead to an increased appreciation for her, a heightened awareness—whoever designated heightened awareness a good thing must have also had a hand in penning these questions—of…the complete hopelessness that characterizes any attempt to have a relationship with me.

And, once I’d sold the movie rights, a tidy profit.

Contrary to widely-embraced opinion—it goes by the name of “fact” in some circles—I don’t actively hate anybody. Certainly not enough to squander my sole opportunity at life-swapping on someone I dislike. Besides, there’s the small matter of what they might do to my life in the meantime, and at the end of this day I’d like to return to find my car intact.

Dylan, perhaps, but it would be Dylan prior to the motorcycle accident, which would place me at or around the age of four.

I’d trade, I think, with someone scheduled to die that day. Nothing overly gruesome, nothing I might stand a chance of preventing. Cheating death seems a worthwhile pursuit, as well as…a change of pace. Few drawbacks come to mind.

I’d rest.

On the other hand, I might consider the good of humanity, switch with whomever’s running the Fox network these days, and renew Arrested Development.

Hello, my name is Alan Shore and I'm conducting a customer satisfaction survey of all my mean ex-girlfriends.